What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
12.06.2025 04:19
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
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Comes on , in middle age.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
My family never makes their pension either.
We all went to grammer schools
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
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Put me off passion for life!!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
If atheists are so positive that there is no God, where is their proof that He does not exist?
So, i spoilt her more .
When she asked me how she looked .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
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She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
As i do to all so called friends.?
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
She found it foreign!.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
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He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
What is the dirtiest thing you have witnessed your wife do?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I write beautiful poetry .
It was going to be , some day.
He knew the spot.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She wouldn,t have been !
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
So whats the point in blame.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
I don,t even have a pension.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I will be 64.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Who then, do I blame.?
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Would this be the day?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
(And it was in our own minds.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
But ive been too sick for many years..
Ive learnt so much.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I said to her
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
We were not on the streets..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
All the time i was locked up.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
She was in good health!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She married twice! .
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
They are buried together, in the same grave..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
This is soul school!.
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
What did i know ?
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
One cannot live in the past .
I have no regrets .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I was scared of men, in general
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
She loved him until the end.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
My life is so biszare .
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I was 9 years of age.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I think the readers, may guess!
But it wasn’t much.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why did i forgive my father ?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I was very sick at this time too.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I couldn’t, believe it.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Im still living with it.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was seconnd youngest,
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I waited trembling.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
And i lived it daily.
I never cut or harmed myself..
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But, we were locked up after school.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!